I've hit a stumbling block on my path to a positive attitude, and it is the very nature by which I connect with people. I've never been able to grow close to a person through discussion of the weather or childhood frolics. No, the closest I can get to another person is through the broken heart.
Commiseration over past pain is the quickest way to intimacy, because it immediately places two people against an ominous foe: other people. They are then both on each other's side, fighting for and with each other, comrades in arms. This has long been the deciding factor in whether people become my friends or remain acquaintances. There must be a past history of pain, and in order to find the emotional intimacy I crave, I have to find it. The problem with this approach is that it invariably turns the conversation negative and frankly makes me come across as morbid. Maybe I am. Nonetheless, a story about past injury is the most revealing sort of story a person can tell, laying bare the vulnerable interior to scrutiny. Revealing it is a sure sign of trust and security in the other person. It is Connection.
So the problem being faced at this point is how to attain the same degree of intimacy, if possible, using a more positive approach, one that does not turn the conversation toward the side of gloom. Or if there is no alternative, then it becomes necessary to wait and see, to find a way to enter the subject and exit it, retaining the connection while shedding the gloom. Taking suggestions...
Commiseration over past pain is the quickest way to intimacy, because it immediately places two people against an ominous foe: other people. They are then both on each other's side, fighting for and with each other, comrades in arms. This has long been the deciding factor in whether people become my friends or remain acquaintances. There must be a past history of pain, and in order to find the emotional intimacy I crave, I have to find it. The problem with this approach is that it invariably turns the conversation negative and frankly makes me come across as morbid. Maybe I am. Nonetheless, a story about past injury is the most revealing sort of story a person can tell, laying bare the vulnerable interior to scrutiny. Revealing it is a sure sign of trust and security in the other person. It is Connection.
So the problem being faced at this point is how to attain the same degree of intimacy, if possible, using a more positive approach, one that does not turn the conversation toward the side of gloom. Or if there is no alternative, then it becomes necessary to wait and see, to find a way to enter the subject and exit it, retaining the connection while shedding the gloom. Taking suggestions...
Positivity takes time, but its really just a matter of always being pleasant and cheerful and nice and just chipping away at whatever negative perception have of you until they realize, "You know, he's a pretty good guy."
ReplyDeleteJokes help too. Or at least just a well-developed sense of humor.
Also anecdotes are a really good way to bond. Telling people about "awesome" or "crazy" things you've done fascinates most people, even if (and this part is important) you don't think that those things are particularly interesting yourself.
Good advice, Steven. I've actually used both techniques before, but I'm stuck on a response I heard to one of my anecdotes, which was "Who are you without your stories?" Troublesome. They help with lightening the mood of an event, but in actually building connections? That's more difficult.
ReplyDeleteSorry, didn't see your reply til' now.
ReplyDeleteQuestions like that, and the people who ask them tend to bother me. I think, "What, you want me to compress the entirety of my personality down into one little sound-byte at the drop of a hat for you? Hang around me some more, then you'll know who I am."
Then again, I'm more of an actions over words sort of guy anyway. Usually, simply being with people and doing these with them and sharing their excitement over doing things is the best way to bond. Like Acting class. Everyone loved everyone in Acting class.
Very true... Can we make life like acting class?
ReplyDeleteIf only we could, eh? If I had to take a crack at it, I'd say the best way to do it would be to just find the groups I'd want to belong to and have fun from there. Sports teams, acting troupes, good co-workers... Sometimes just having a group of people that doesn't care for small talk and just want to go out and do something fun is best.
ReplyDelete