You Know... (Part 5)

You know you're getting older the first time you tell your youngest cousin "Geez, you've gotten tall."

You Know... (Part Four)

You know you're giving off the wrong vibe when young, attractive, Chinese students flock to your brother and even your parents to have pictures taken with them over the course of the trip, but the only photo request you receive is from a grinning 60-year old man.

You know you're hanging with the wrong crowd when after two minutes of recounting your adventures in China, you're interrupted by a half-hour monologue on personal drama and food, and the conversation is over.

You know there's a good reason for being paranoid when your boss hides a camera on his desk, films you brushing crumbs from your shirt into the trash can, and shows the entire office how, from that angle, it looks like you're taking a piss.

You Know... (Part Three)

You know you're getting older when the quality of your day hinges upon the quality of your morning BM.

You know you're getting older when your coworkers no longer asked if you're seeing anyone but whether you're married or have kids.

You know you're a mythology nerd when every radio advertisement for Harrah's Rincon evokes thoughts of peacock feathers and jealous rage.

You Know... (Part 2)

You know your love life has gotten stale when you wake up in the morning with a big hickey on your nose... from the Breathe-Right® Strip keeping your sinuses open.

You know your family knows you well when, after years of turning down alcohol at family functions, you get beer for Christmas.

You know you've been subjected to false advertising when your Bark-Off® ultrasonic device doesn't actually stop the dog from barking, but instead pisses him off and everyone else as well.

You Know... (Part 1)

You know you're getting older when the Thanksgiving dinner conversation centers on incontinence and colonoscopies, yet the only thing on your mind is, "Mmm... cranberries."

You know you're getting older when you return from a four-day holiday, and the first thing on your mind is how much you need to catch up on your leafy greens and fiber.

You know you're getting older when you finally gather the courage to talk to your eye-popping, knee-quaking crush of several months, only to find that he has several children old enough to run around.

You know you've got issues when you can barely contain your excitement for a thorough airport pat-down.