Moving right along, I'm a mere five pages into the book, and already I'm back at the chapter that gave me the most trouble. It starts with a quote from the book of Luke (14:26): "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple."
In my ongoing search to not just be "good" but also to be "content," I've attempted putting this into practice by itself, and it's only led me to be bitter toward my family and my friends when they don't play by my rules. "Hate them, treat them disdainfully, and you'll be free" was the philosophy. But when it comes to seeking happiness, that really doesn't work. On re-reading, the point was sort of along the lines of a superhero movie: Those people and things you hold most dear are also the most dangerous to your personal well-being. I look at the recent death of my roommate's grandfather. She and her mom spent the better part of four months living with the grandparents and their cantankerous adopted son. It challenged some relationships and ruined others because of the obligation to help those who refused to be helped. The obligation, the commitment, was for family. Now, the family principle is one that I struggle with, because in so many of the religious "guidelines" I read, the central path to God, the Dharma, or what have you, is independent of family and other earthly "ties." So this is troubling.
"Hate" is a strong word that's thrown around loosely, and it doesn't work for me. I don't hate my parents. I don't hate my life. Is this why I'm not perpetually happy? As I read on, the terminology fit my tastes a little more. De Mello suggests not that we renounce our family, our friends, our ambitions, or our possessions all at once - he points out that violently ending a tie binds it to you forever - but rather to realize that they are attachments, that they are not eternal, and that, should they go away or turn against us, we should be ready. Perhaps "ready" is too pessimistic a term, but in all actuality, nothing lasts forever. Eventually, the whole human race will go extinct, for Pete's sake. But that's beside the point.
The book suggests making a list of all one's worldly desires and, having done so, addressing each of them with the following phrase: Deep down in my heart I know that even after I have got you I will not get happiness. So let's do that. What all do I want that's making me miserable?
For the majority of today, I was sitting in a beautiful place, watching bunnies and butterflies and listening to birds and distant laughter, yet part of me was horrifically worried that someone would be trying to contact me via the cell phone I had intentionally turned off and locked in the trunk. Suddenly, there was a whole explosion of unintended worries: Who could be calling? Why? What could I be getting done? Who will hold me accountable for what I'm not getting done? Are all the people here wondering why I've been sitting here so long? Do they approve? That's six thoughts desperate for approval in the span of a squirrel's hop. Thought trains like this, or rather, Big Brain Bangs (BBBs) are more frequent than I wish I had to admit. They go something like this:
In my ongoing search to not just be "good" but also to be "content," I've attempted putting this into practice by itself, and it's only led me to be bitter toward my family and my friends when they don't play by my rules. "Hate them, treat them disdainfully, and you'll be free" was the philosophy. But when it comes to seeking happiness, that really doesn't work. On re-reading, the point was sort of along the lines of a superhero movie: Those people and things you hold most dear are also the most dangerous to your personal well-being. I look at the recent death of my roommate's grandfather. She and her mom spent the better part of four months living with the grandparents and their cantankerous adopted son. It challenged some relationships and ruined others because of the obligation to help those who refused to be helped. The obligation, the commitment, was for family. Now, the family principle is one that I struggle with, because in so many of the religious "guidelines" I read, the central path to God, the Dharma, or what have you, is independent of family and other earthly "ties." So this is troubling.
"Hate" is a strong word that's thrown around loosely, and it doesn't work for me. I don't hate my parents. I don't hate my life. Is this why I'm not perpetually happy? As I read on, the terminology fit my tastes a little more. De Mello suggests not that we renounce our family, our friends, our ambitions, or our possessions all at once - he points out that violently ending a tie binds it to you forever - but rather to realize that they are attachments, that they are not eternal, and that, should they go away or turn against us, we should be ready. Perhaps "ready" is too pessimistic a term, but in all actuality, nothing lasts forever. Eventually, the whole human race will go extinct, for Pete's sake. But that's beside the point.
The book suggests making a list of all one's worldly desires and, having done so, addressing each of them with the following phrase: Deep down in my heart I know that even after I have got you I will not get happiness. So let's do that. What all do I want that's making me miserable?
- A spouse/partner
- A group of reliable friends
- Approval from:
- My parents
- My extended family
- My friends
- My acquaintances
- My employer/coworkers
- Complete fucking strangers
- My inner voice/God
- Success/Influence
- As a writer
- As an actor? Performer?
- Financial (money for travel)
- Travel (happy without?)
- The garden
- The collections
For the majority of today, I was sitting in a beautiful place, watching bunnies and butterflies and listening to birds and distant laughter, yet part of me was horrifically worried that someone would be trying to contact me via the cell phone I had intentionally turned off and locked in the trunk. Suddenly, there was a whole explosion of unintended worries: Who could be calling? Why? What could I be getting done? Who will hold me accountable for what I'm not getting done? Are all the people here wondering why I've been sitting here so long? Do they approve? That's six thoughts desperate for approval in the span of a squirrel's hop. Thought trains like this, or rather, Big Brain Bangs (BBBs) are more frequent than I wish I had to admit. They go something like this:
The Appearance BBB
- Find defect (zit, flab, unwanted hair)
- Sign of age, wasting away
- Unattractive
- Will not attract mate
- Will live and die alone
- UNHAPPY
- Make a mistake (at work or in writing)
- I was careless
- I don't care - why not?
- I'm lazy and have no sense of responsibility/concentration
- I never accomplish anything of consequence
- I will live and die alone
- UNHAPPY
- Friend cannot hang out
- Friend doesn't like me
- Friends never hang out: none like me
- People in general don't like me
- I'm an unlikable person
- I will live and die alone
- UNHAPPY
If we cut out all the extra fluff, we can pare this down to "To live and die alone is an unhappy existence." While I could point out that no one with an active imagination can truly live alone, that might defeat the purpose. To point out that nearly everyone dies alone, or rather, not in the company of those they love, helps a little more. What has bugged me lately is the work, which I've considered a distraction to keep me from thinking about my perceived lack of love. The question I've never, up until this point, asked myself is, "Is this the sort of work I'm meant to do?"
As mentioned before, I'm clinging to an idea of what I should be, when the fact is, I may not be so well suited to that idea after all. The inability to let go of that idea has brought my focus to unhappiness, but letting go brings with it the fear of "What comes next?" There is so much fear surrounding this, which comes out of the belief that I need approval... of EVERYONE. So maybe, this is my first thing to address. What things are there to do, which others might not approve of, but which are good for my soul? This can't be something that will earn me praise or a cheap thrill from another source, even myself (Yay, Kyle!), but the point is, as today demonstrated ten years ago, any day could be your last. Why go out wishing for what you want when what you need has been there all along? There are a lot of things I could stand, not to eliminate from my life, but to loosen the hold. This will probably solidify better as I read on.
As mentioned before, I'm clinging to an idea of what I should be, when the fact is, I may not be so well suited to that idea after all. The inability to let go of that idea has brought my focus to unhappiness, but letting go brings with it the fear of "What comes next?" There is so much fear surrounding this, which comes out of the belief that I need approval... of EVERYONE. So maybe, this is my first thing to address. What things are there to do, which others might not approve of, but which are good for my soul? This can't be something that will earn me praise or a cheap thrill from another source, even myself (Yay, Kyle!), but the point is, as today demonstrated ten years ago, any day could be your last. Why go out wishing for what you want when what you need has been there all along? There are a lot of things I could stand, not to eliminate from my life, but to loosen the hold. This will probably solidify better as I read on.
No comments:
Post a Comment
You may add your condiments here.